We might wonder- ‘why does it matter anyway?’. After all, how will this change my life? I believe that our way of being with others plays a role in our positive growth. It is important that in all our interactions with people, we can try seeing the person as a “whole person” rather than objects. Let us think about the experiences we have had in the past few days. Think of one person and recall the conversations you have had with them just recently.
To make it easy let us together think of a common situation in most of the households - an argument with our child.You wanted your child to do something and the child doesn't, or talks back. From your side, you expected the child to behave or talk or act in a particular manner, and when it does not happen, check your train of thoughts.You might observe that your heart is at war and you could end up saying things which might be hurting / insulting / demanding to the child. The child reacts hearing these words and then the child behaves or talks to you which could be perceived in the same manner as you perceived your child. Maybe by using your power of authority you might have demanded the child to do that work.The child might do this work now but still your train of thoughts continue. You might still see your child as a disobedient / pampered / spoilt / lazy child. These might be some of the labels which we might have already stored in our mind.
In this situation, did we treat our child as a person with their own needs/wants or did we treat the child as an object who would do what you wanted them to do. One argument might play in all our minds. I am doing this for that person’s welfare , so why can’t that person understand me ?
But do we understand them?
If we think about it, we might have put labels for each of our family members or friends or colleagues. We see their behaviour and label them and our interactions with them continues with the foundation labels we have laid. Interestingly others behave with us in the way we regard them as they might have labelled us too :)
When we see the other person as an object we “expect” them to do as we want them to do in that particular manner. We expect them to do this manner because we think that this is the right way and of course we might think that MY way is good for them.
When our “way of being” is like this then what do we get back from that person ? Actually the other person also regards us and responds to us in that similar manner. In the above example , the child might do finally what you wanted, but was the child doing willingly? Was the child ‘s heart at peace while doing the work? The child might regard you as unreasonable, demanding , inconsiderate , tyrant ,etc. The cycle continues when we again label the child as an ungrateful person and there is conflict and disharmony in the air. Such similar situations can happen in our interactions with spouses , colleagues, helpers and much more .
When we start seeing others as objects we get provoked. We start believing that our peace has been disturbed by that person and we blame that person for our unhappiness. We think that people are making our life miserable and people are being ungrateful and unfair in their attitude as you are doing your best in everything you do.These thoughts further pull us down and our interactions with everyone revolves with an attitude of conflict as our heart is itself at war. This inner violence starts ruling our lives. This conflict between two people spreads to bring about disharmony with many people .
Can we break this pattern of conflict by seeing people and not as objects?
Belief
To break this pattern of conflict within us first we need to break the belief that whatever actions or words we speak is always the “right” thing. Our intentions might be true but the way we communicate , think or respond to the person may not be the right manner. Whenever there is a conflict between two individuals, each side is convinced that they are right. If we believe that we might be wrong then there might not be a conflict at all.
If we consider the above example itself the parent thinks that the child is being wrong and it is important to correct him and do what is right. The parent is with the belief that this is the “right” way of doing and it is for the welfare of the child. The child revolts after hearing the words spoken by the parent as well as sensing the emotions behind the words used.The child might be absolutely not aware of the deeper intentions.
In this disagreement the parent also cannot say with conviction that their actions were right. Maybe the parent can come out of the box and belief that “my way is the right way”. When this box is consciously opened then the viewpoint widens and each sees one another as a person .
Empathy
When we see each other as a person then we can put ourselves in their shoes. We are not viewing the person in our point of view but actually giving space for the person. When you show empathy to a person and understand their needs and emotions then it helps us to communicate in a non violent manner. Violence is not only hurting people physically and intentionally but also the language we use which can be hurtful. It is not using bad words but the expressions we use, the words coming out can be violent. Without our knowledge we might be communicating to our near and dear ones in this hurtful manner.
Pause button
Can empathy be nurtured in a fortnight ? Nurturing empathy needs compassion and awareness. This pause button at many phases of our day can make revolutionary change in our lives. Each time we want to say something nasty in a situation or want to respond to a message, just pause…….look at that person….then respond. The reply you give will be quite different from what you intended to.
On a daily basis we might have turned our loved ones into objects to manipulate, verbally attack and trap them in a cage. We can be trapped ourselves when others treat us as objects . We need to get one message clear in our minds. We need not change others but we can very well change our way of being. We can consciously look at others as real people and understand the reason for their behaviour. Once we get the message on not treating others as objects it can be a real breakthrough in marriage, parenting and in our work space. Looking at each other in this window can bring about compassion and deepen the relationship.
In a relationship, we might forget what the other person spoke or did but we might not be able to forget how that person made you feel.
- Prabha Krishna
Inspired from the book " The Anatomy of Peace " by The Arbinger institute.