Session on "Communication with Compassion" by Subha Parthasarathy was an eye opener for many who have not associated Communication and communication C & C as a combo to bring about a change in the way we connect to others . This session on compassion had activities where we were able to recognise the difference between an observation or an evaluation. Let me share a summary of my perspectives after hearing this session.
Q to ponder for all of us :
Am I Judging while observing? - natural inclination to combine both :)
How much am I listening when the other person speaks?
Am I keen on talking or putting fwd my ideas or perspectives or strategies?
This brought a realisation that sometimes we do act as if we are listening to our kids or others but we do communicate on the spur of the moment whatever comes in our head at that moment. We do use language which can be so detrimental for our relationships. We do communicate with pre formed images, assumptions , past impressions . Am I seeing the person as an object or a being with feelings, emotions and needs of their own too ? These are the areas where we could sit back, munch upon and contemplate. Can I start watching my language instead of watching others :)
What is Violent communication?
We might wonder what can be violent in a communication. We have a belief that only if the sentences has some inappropriate words which is derogatory then it can be termed as violent. We seem to be in a cocoon thinking that we speak "decent":) but are we aware that many times the words we speak or write are quite violent and brings forth quite strong statements. Many times we might have used the following words:
He should listen to me
you cant do this as you are so weak in this
she never listens
I cant do anything right
She/he always puts me down...she is jealous
I don't get credit for anything
You are so lazy/irresponsible
We might wonder what can be violent in a communication. We have a belief that only if the sentences has some inappropriate words which is derogatory then it can be termed as violent. We seem to be in a cocoon thinking that we speak "decent":) but are we aware that many times the words we speak or write are quite violent and brings forth quite strong statements. Many times we might have used the following words:
He should listen to me
you cant do this as you are so weak in this
she never listens
I cant do anything right
She/he always puts me down...she is jealous
I don't get credit for anything
You are so lazy/irresponsible
Why are you so disorganised
You are so ungrateful...can' you be.....
why cant you do this
why cant you do this
You better listen to me
I expect everyone to ....
just do as I am saying this...I don't want to hear your nonsense
Why is this work not done...I don't want to hear excuses....
I am so disappointed in you/the team today.....
You have failed me...
How can you find fault in me.....I do so many things for this family/this company
you keep chattering, I am not free to listen to this.....
why cant you just do what I am saying...
cant you see that i am busy...are you dumb....
that person is so careless/irresponsible etc
and much much more.....
All these examples have either an expectation, judgement, label towards our kids, family members ,work mates, maids , etc emphasising the sentences with the emotion of anger / irritation / resentment/ guilt / a sense of power. Any sentence we say from these emotions which judges, labels or said without treating another as a person but an object are termed violent. We might be amazed that in a day we might be using several violent messages to others to convey our point. Is it because of lack of awareness of the right vocabulary or lack of willingness to look beyond "Me ". hmm...you have to reflect
Why is this work not done...I don't want to hear excuses....
I am so disappointed in you/the team today.....
You have failed me...
How can you find fault in me.....I do so many things for this family/this company
you keep chattering, I am not free to listen to this.....
why cant you just do what I am saying...
cant you see that i am busy...are you dumb....
that person is so careless/irresponsible etc
and much much more.....
All these examples have either an expectation, judgement, label towards our kids, family members ,work mates, maids , etc emphasising the sentences with the emotion of anger / irritation / resentment/ guilt / a sense of power. Any sentence we say from these emotions which judges, labels or said without treating another as a person but an object are termed violent. We might be amazed that in a day we might be using several violent messages to others to convey our point. Is it because of lack of awareness of the right vocabulary or lack of willingness to look beyond "Me ". hmm...you have to reflect
if I say :
"I shall call a spade a spade and this is how I am and I do not care how others take it. It is their problem if they misunderstand me. "
Have we wondered how it would bounce on you when someone speaks to you like this. Are we at peace at that time when we hear such statements directed towards ME. I believe that the moment I speak such sentences, I am actually moving away from my own true nature( true Self) which is actually filled with karuna ( compassion) . I do lose the connection with others also drift away from myself too.
So, How do we speak or send messages most of the times?
- Judgemental
- Blame
- labelling - you are so clumsy, irresponsible...etc.etc
- I am better knowledgeable than you
- I have more power than you
- attitude of high handedness
- expectations towards the other makes us say things which are quite abrupt
- demanding
- just say what comes first in my mind
- broken sentences with less clarity
- assuming something and then saying
Even if we do not say and if we are typing to send a message, the vocabulary used can be sometimes violent indeed. So before the enter button, PAUSE, and read the sentences once more....would you be ok if another person sends this to you.
How does my communication style affect the other person?
- person could feel restricted, uncomfortable, feel small, not heard , pressurised, vulnerable, overwhelmed and many other ways it could affect .
The careless way of adding "Please " in our sentences:
Just adding "Please" as the first word cannot make it as a request when the rest of the language or our thoughts are demanding or accusing or any such violent manner. Are we in sync with this word "please " when we say or write....
The careless way of adding "Please " in our sentences:
Just adding "Please" as the first word cannot make it as a request when the rest of the language or our thoughts are demanding or accusing or any such violent manner. Are we in sync with this word "please " when we say or write....
Examples to have a compassionate communication even without please :
Please clean up the mess
Replacing with: Would you be willing to clean this mess
No: please come and finish this pending work.
Yes: How soon would you be able to come so that we can finish this. I am in real need of this today.
Subha Parthasarathy talked abt two modes of language - Jackal and Giraffe mode
Both are animals but jackal type language says what it wants to.There is no awareness while speaking , thinking or sending . It is always in the Fight mode....ready to pounce or growl or protect oneself. Jackal too has good intentions but the language from a jackal mode comes with those unpleasant emotions which is ready to prove the point. So even though this person speaks with good intentions, with a loving heart, the other person only hears the language used. This does bring about a wall between the person saying and the other person. Can there be connection then ?
Meanwhile a Giraffe is tall and looks things at a higher level . It is kind and is eager to look at other persons emotions and needs. Its long neck allows to see other person 's point of view. Giraffe is calm but yet aware of the surroundings. The giraffe mode of language comes from a space of understanding and compassion without any judgemental thoughts.
For example - if a person speaks to us in a jackal mode...check how would be our reaction. We react again with a jackal mode to lash back. Instead if we can pause, step back and use a giraffe mode to this person
Replacing with: Would you be willing to clean this mess
No: please come and finish this pending work.
Yes: How soon would you be able to come so that we can finish this. I am in real need of this today.
Subha Parthasarathy talked abt two modes of language - Jackal and Giraffe mode
Both are animals but jackal type language says what it wants to.There is no awareness while speaking , thinking or sending . It is always in the Fight mode....ready to pounce or growl or protect oneself. Jackal too has good intentions but the language from a jackal mode comes with those unpleasant emotions which is ready to prove the point. So even though this person speaks with good intentions, with a loving heart, the other person only hears the language used. This does bring about a wall between the person saying and the other person. Can there be connection then ?
Meanwhile a Giraffe is tall and looks things at a higher level . It is kind and is eager to look at other persons emotions and needs. Its long neck allows to see other person 's point of view. Giraffe is calm but yet aware of the surroundings. The giraffe mode of language comes from a space of understanding and compassion without any judgemental thoughts.
For example - if a person speaks to us in a jackal mode...check how would be our reaction. We react again with a jackal mode to lash back. Instead if we can pause, step back and use a giraffe mode to this person
" Right now I am hurt by what you are saying, do give me some time to respond to this.let me come back to you."
Yes, it is not easy when that person keeps talking to us in jackal mode and we end up being hurt or insulted by that person. NO ONE can make us feel bad/low unless we choose to or we believe in what they are saying.We have the power within us to take that choice to cause us misery or to let go. We need that conviction and can RISE to that situation instead of falling to this deadly cycle.
Think of another situation when your child is not doing an activity which you expect them to do. What is the kind of language we might use. Maybe mostly jackal mode :). Observe and Reflect .
Think of another situation when your child is not doing an activity which you expect them to do. What is the kind of language we might use. Maybe mostly jackal mode :). Observe and Reflect .
When we shift consciously to Giraffe mode, there is a remarkable change in the attitude of the child. We would be amazed that the child speaks openly(in a giraffe mode)instead of lashing back to us in jackal mode as a means to protect themselves.
It is a constant learning to keep shifting from Jackal mode to Giraffe mode when we are aware of what we speak. So this kind of communication can be applied to all your connections with different kinds of people in your life and it does make a huge impact.
It is a constant learning to keep shifting from Jackal mode to Giraffe mode when we are aware of what we speak. So this kind of communication can be applied to all your connections with different kinds of people in your life and it does make a huge impact.
Let us not rush to react to anything that person behaves or says or rush to even type a whats app message in a jackal mode.It's ok to give that space first to know what is the best way to communicate . We can choose to react to a message which might disturb us in any way or learn to pause and come back to the same message after some time. You would be amazed that our language would be much different than the first reactive message.Such is the power of "Pause" button in our lives.
These modes needs lots of practice sessions for us to apply and we can indeed work on it consciously if we are willing to change .Many times we ourselves are not open to work on ourselves but rather expect from others .
Subha ended the session bringing forth an important concept of working on communication with
CCCOW
Compassion, Clarity , Choices, Openness and Willingness
If our thoughts and language has all this then where would be the place for violence. There would be just peace in my mind, peace radiating from me, a peaceful atmosphere for the other person to thrive, a peaceful connection with compassion in our hearts.
- Attempted by
Prabha Krishna
This is a brief summary on the talk on "Communication with Compassion" held at Yogabharati center on March 12th,2019 as part of Yogabharati Women Wellness week by the speaker Subha Parthasarathy